slaughter me silly

     Spent the day with Graedan again. He came over this time. At one point, we were just talking, cuddling. He fell asleep, and I got back into my dejected thoughts. Again, it was the loneliness. Not the cutting, not the suicide, but the loneliness. I tried to stop it but the tears came all too fast, so I kept them silent with steady breathing. I managed to calm myself down and stop crying before I had to wake him.

     He asked me what was wrong, claiming I looked sad. I said “nothin’ babe,” but he pressed. Then I made the mistake. I told him. I should’ve remembered, remembered I’m not to talk about bad feelings. He already knew about the loneliness, from my burden of an almost suicide attempt. Yet I don’t think he realized how bad it was. It was his response that caused my mind to tell me, this is why you don’t express to people. He blamed himself.

     Now he’s sunk back into his depression, a feeling I’d seen him avoid for at least a couple of days. He’s craving the cutting, and he’s beating himself emotionally. I just hate this. It’s my fault I don’t have friends. It’s my fault he’s depressed. It’s my fault he wants to cut. And to think back and realize, if I just hadn’t said anything, he would still be as joyful as he was when he walked through my back door this morning. And just because I thought maybe this time it would help to talk to him, I’ve ruined the happiness of the person I love most.

     Should’ve kept it to myself.