Today,
was a happy day. I spent the entire day in the presence of my beloved, laughing and smiling and really just being happy. But then it’s night. And I’m in this house. I’m by myself. And yet again, the loneliness sets in. The sadness creeps over me and slowly takes me.
This morning, while preparing myself for a day out, I caught my sight in the mirror. It dawned on me how different I look now, from say a year ago. I thought of all the memories. All the times I spent with the people who were once my closest friends. So many sleepovers, with best friends. I then remembered, I don’t have a best friend anymore. I thought of all the times I spent with Vanessa, Janae, Maurice, Dani, Claudia, Jacob, Alex, Tom, all the plateau kids, and all the downtown kids. Then I remembered I no longer have any relationships with any of those people. The tears built up in my eyes, my heart sank, I realized I’m alone. But I fought the tears back, and pushed the thoughts to the back of my head, leaving them for later.
Now I can’t fight the tears. They stream out against my will. I’ve known it for months, I’ve just pushed the thought away not wanting to believe it, but now it’s all over. I can’t stand it. I miss my friends. I miss having friends. I don’t know if it’s that nobody wants to be my friend, or that I’ve had to push away everyone and every opportunity to rekindle old friendships. Of course I have Graedan, and he’s more than enough. He’s my best friend and my favorite person to be with, so why should I be complaining? Maybe it’s just how selfish I am, wanting to be surrounded by other people. Or is it fair, that I might crave true friendship?
Either way, loneliness is eating me alive. I want nothing more than to cut, and bleed until I’m tired enough to sleep away the thoughts.
